When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
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Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
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I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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