Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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