Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's official drugs can't kill me
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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