I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
