I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
