you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize