btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
