Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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