apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.