It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
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if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
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Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.