Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
