did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
