Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
