Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
