sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
