Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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