I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
