i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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