I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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