I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
