Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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