in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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