dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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