i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I got inside last night via doggy door
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
