You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
