I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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