Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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