i was born a porn star she said
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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