Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
