you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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