I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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