He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
