He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
