cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
