awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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