When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
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I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
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"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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