He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
