who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Floor bacon is actually really good
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
