i'm signing you up for texting rehab
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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