I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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