he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Randomize
