Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
