Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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