Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
