he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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