is your mom at the bar?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today