If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
