I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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