So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
