so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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