the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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