But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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