I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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