your thong is hanging out like whoa
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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