He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
