Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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