I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
