Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
