Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
