I can tuck mytits in my pants
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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