i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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