Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
