cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Randomize
