One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
