I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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