You made me cry and you don't even care
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
